The disorder of the day: Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
Criteria (bolded are ones that I possess):

• A. Traumatic Event + Intense Fear, Helplessness, Horror
• B. Re-experiencing of the Traumatic Event
• C. Persistent Avoidance and Numbing of Responsiveness
• D. Persistent Symptoms of Increased Arousal
• E. Duration of B,C, & D more than one month
• F. Impairment in important areas of functioning

Well, whaddya know. All of them. I know, self-diagnosis is the most dangerous diagnosis, hah. What does putting a label on my crazy do anyways? It would make some things make a bit more sense. It would also make me feel like damaged goods. “Slap a label on that one. She’s broken.” I would just like some answers. And I want to move on from this. This thing that has caused all kinds of messed up lack of functionality in my life.

I need healing. I need my Abba. He’s the ultimate doctor. He doesn’t just slap a label on me and call it a day. He doesn’t rehabilitate–He restores, makes everything new. He above all else is powerful, wonderful.

I’m growing. I’m healing. I’m being restored. I was made for more than this. I’ve been damaged, but i’m not broken. I know this, I just have to live in it. I’m seeing a counselor on Wednesday (kicking and screaming, I should add). It will be interesting. I’ve got to let go. I’ve got to move on. I’d like to say I’m jumping in with both feet, but really, I’m being shoved in the pool, flailing; but, I’m aware that if I keep flailing, I’ll drown. Hopefully soon, I’ll be able to stop fighting, and swim towards the surface.

Cryptic, scattered post? Yes. Sometimes, life makes more sense that way.

• I got into UC Irvine, despite my application drama. I just reread that post and man, that was a pretty dang traumatic night. Though, it made me realize that, even though I’ve grown immensely since then, I’m still not there yet.
• Jim Britts hired me as his assistant (well, technically, the Youth Administrative Assistant) at New Song. I love my job so much. I’m so blessed to be working in the Youth office with some amazing people. It’s challenging A LOT of the time, but it’s fun.
• I got my licence back! That was SUCH a God story. I’ll do a post on that later.
• Forest Home again–such a different experience than it was last year. More a time of refining than complete life-change, which is what I needed. Also, I got to baptize one of my best friends, Melody Grasz, in the creek. Such a wonderful experience!
• -I started school at UCI this past Thursday. That came with a whole set of crazy emotions. It was terrifying, exciting, boring, etc. all at once, haha. First day of school post later? I think, yes.

Also, I‘m more in love with my Abba than ever–which means that life, at times, has been harder than ever. The more I give myself over to Him, the more I grow, and the more pain I experience. Despite that, I know what freedom and lightness I’ll experience as I continue to surrender to Him. But dang, must growing be so hard?! I’m opening up parts of me I never have explored before…bit by bit letting go of past hurt that I’m holding onto so tightly. It’s a frustrating process. It drives me crazy how tightly I’m holding onto things that are breaking me down. It’s ridiculous. I know it’s not good, and yet, I won’t let them go. Blaaah, well, this is neither the time nor the place for exploring all of that. In time, young ones, in time.

Anyways. Super brief glimpse on my life right now. Welcome back?

Lists. Lists generally help to make sense of things.

-Community
As of late, I feel so disconnected from my community of friends…or acquaintances? I don’t know what to call these people anymore. It was like, we were all hanging out a lot and doing things together all the time, and suddenly, we aren’t. Well, when I say we, I mean we including me. They are still doing things together and hanging out, and I’m no longer invited. But, within this group of people, there is drama and tension, and just general weirdness. I don’t like it. I don’t know the full extent of what is going on, but from what I’ve heard, it really is…well, sad. There is such brokenness and anger and just, UGH. I guess I’m glad that I’m not directly involved in what is happening, but because of what is going on, things seem to be falling apart and I’m kind of left in the dark. I can’t even make this make sense because none of this makes any sense!

…I’ve decided not to continue on to the rest of my list. My brain is tired. Thinking about this nonsense makes me tired and frustrated because I can’t do anything about it.

AAAGJEAOIRUEAFHEOIARUEAIRJFNVKAE374289!!!!!!!!

So much has happened that it’s hard to process it all, let alone get it into words. The processing is the most difficult, though. There is just so much swirling around in my head right now. Everything that happened, everything I said, everything I did, everything I thought. It’s just a lot. This is my attempt to process it. If I can put it into words, then I know that I can at least face it, that I can make it seem more…real? And perhaps move on to pick up the pieces of this brokenness.

The two words that can encompass the subject are: UC application.

I have already blogged about my procrastination and how it gets me into trouble. I’ve known that for a while, my procrastination was going to cause me to hit a wall in a very big way. It seems that for anything to change in my life, something drastic has to happen. I don’t know how to change that part about myself. It’s not fun at all. The drastic things–they hurt, they’re damaging. But, I’m stubborn…well, moreso just stupid than stubborn, I think.

Anyways. UC application filing periods were November 1-30 with the deadline being November 30 at 11:59 PM. I got a head start on them and started my application the week before Thanksgiving with plans to have them finished before Thanksgiving, which is the recommended time to have them turned in. But of course, with me being me, I started them, and didn’t open the application back up until about 1:30 PM on November 30. Awesome. I had a busy day, so anytime that I had, I was on the computer trying to finish my application. At 6, I had a rehearsal for my dance show, so I brought my laptop with me so I could finish my app. The server was going incredibly slow and I had to refresh the page over and over again before my information would submit. As time kept ticking by, I was getting more and more frustrated and more and more stressed out. At about 10:00, the server was growing exponentially slower with the passing time, and I was becoming less and less sure that I would be able to get my application submitted and began freaking out more and more.

At this point, I started praying harder than I ever have in my life. I told God that I had complete faith in Him that He would get me through this and get my application in, even if I hit the final submit button at 11:58:59. I knew it would be okay. I kept saying to myself, and to Him that it was okay, I had faith, God would pull me through. And…time kept ticking…and refreshing the page was doing nothing…and my faith began to waver. I’d catch myself, and just talk to God for a few minutes. I knew that this app was going to get in. I KNEW He was going to make it work. And then it was 11:00. And I started to cry pitiful tears of desperation. At this point I was pleading with Him. “PLEASE, God, PLEASE…” Even reflecting on it, I can feel the desperation that I experienced. It’s like when you have nothing else, when you are just so at the mercy of something else…I can’t even describe it. And then, I got angry. It turned into a challenge of “if You’re as real and as powerful as You claim to be, You’ll get this application turned in. Prove to me that You are real, and I’m not crazy for believing that You are.”

…”You shall not put the Lord your God to the test” (Deuteronomy 6:16)

12:00 AM. The page still refused to load. The deadline had passed. I was done. There was nothing of me left. I put down my laptop, unlocked the front door, and walked out into the night. I wandered aimlessly, in the middle of the street, with no destination. I just wanted out. Out of everything. Out of this life. I hit the bottom. I was…blank. And I walked. And then my brain turned back on, bringing a flood of emotions with it. I was upset, I was angry, I was ruined. I was upset at myself. I’d let my procrastination pretty much destroy my future. I couldn’t just NOT go to a 4 year university next Fall. It really is not an option. I have messed up so many times this semester, but this is the big one. In my opinion, I’d ruined my life.

I was mad at God. SO mad. And here is where the part of these last few days that has completely shaken me, completely left me crumbled at the bottom of the pit comes in. I was so angry with God, that I told Him that He was not real. I decided that no God who I had put so much faith in would let me fall like that. A Human who knows that you have so much faith in them would not let you down this way. I refused to believe in a God who would do that to me. I said, to Him…to the air, that I was done. I was done with the craziness. Everyone who believes that they are filled with the “Holy Spirit” is just crazy. I was crazy. I bought into the craziness. He did not exist to me any longer. I quit God. And then I sat on a bench in a park and cried. Everything I had based my life on, was gone. School was no more. My majors…my career path…no more. Most of all, the God that I loved and put so much faith in was no more. I was so empty. So alone. I wanted to end it. I really did. I sat and I cried and I shivered until finally I decided to go back home.

I walked home, went to my room, and cried myself to sleep. Of course, morning comes. I didn’t want it to come. I didn’t want to face people asking me if my apps go turned in. I didn’t want to have to tell my parents that I couldn’t get my self together and get my applications in. I didn’t want to deal with life. Some part of me still had some sanity left and I knew I couldn’t just stay in bed. So I went to school. I happened to check my Facebook, and a friend asked if I’d had problems submitting my UC application last night because he had also. In talking to him, I found out that there was a computer glitch, and the application deadline had been extended. Of course I was skeptical, but I went on the UCapp website and was able to logon and finish submitting my application. I emailed the Admissions department to see if it had really gone through and got an automated response saying that the application deadline had been extended until 11:59 PM on December 2.

…woah. just…woah…

It was now that I just wondered “What the heck did you just do last night, Maya? You seriously lost your freaking mind. You need to fix this. Undo what you did.” But, how do I fix this? How do I take back those horrible, horrible things I said to my FATHER. The God who loves me SO much, who wants me to succeed, who wants good things for me?

“O you of little faith, why did you doubt?” (Matthew 14:31)

I don’t even feel like I can ask for forgiveness. I don’t deserve it. I know that we are all undeserving of the love and mercy that He gives us, but I feel like I have gone past the point of undeserving… Why should He forgive me? Why should I even feel that I can talk to Him and ask for help ever again? I quit God. And He STILL came through for me. I…am speechless… and I feel wretched.I don’t know where to go from here.

So now, here I am. Broken. Lost. Confused. Alone.
…help?

i want to say sorry, but i cant.

Here’s the issue: I hate it when people get on my case about it all the time. There is a reason I buy stuff. Like, today we went to Fashion Valley to go shopping/browsing. My main goal was to find a birthday dress. I found myself in H&M surrounded by dresses. I thought that was perfect. Out of all these dresses, I can definitely find one or two I like. I took about 7 dresses and a few other things into the fitting rooms. I tried in dress after dress, top after top–nothing fit right. Nothing. Out of at least 13 items, not a single one worked. Considering my history, this put me in a pretty bad place, mentally. So, I was in this funk I couldn’t shake. I felt stupid and…well, just not good leaving empty handed, so I bought some accessories. It was mainly to try and make myself feel better because at least something could look okay on me, right? It was basically a desperate attempt to avoid a breakdown. It makes sense to me, okay? It brings me back to a sane place, keeping me from slipping…beings me back to normalacy. It makes me feel a little bit more okay. It makes sense!!!! I’m not going to justify myself to you if all you do is criticize me. Why would I? Would you even care? I’m not as superficial as you think I am. I swear, I’m not. And, yeah, I get that you’re just joking around, and I may be overly sensitive, but still. It gets old.

Ah, I don’t know. I should just get over it, right? I swear, all I do is whine and complain. I’m annoying to myself. Good thing this blog doesn’t have a voice, because it would probably tell me to shutup, grow up, and deal with things. But, I am dealing. Writing helps–alot. It also keeps me from vocally voicing all my whining and complaining craaaaap no one wants to hear :]

Most of my shopping is just light, girly fun. And I have been curtailing that a lot. But sometimes, it’s “retail therapy.” Look at my eyes if you want to know which it is. It will be obvious. The majority of the time, I don’t mind the joking, I’ll do it myself as well. Just, pay a little attention. That’s all I ask.

xoxo

The biggest issue I’m facing right now is dealing with this DUI. It is such an inconvenience. Well, it started out as that. Now it’s more than an inconvenience. It has completely taken away my freedom. It’s taking away my money and especially my time. So much freaking time is wasted because of this. The majority of it going to my classes in San Marcos. I have to be there twice a week for group meetings and education classes. Included in these classes is travel time when I have to take the Sprinter. For a 6:30 class, I have to take a 5:14 Sprinter in order to get me there on time. Time, time, time. Ugh, I hate it. I hate not having my freedom to get thing done that I need to. There’s so much that I haven’t gotten done that I could have if I could have just gotten in my car and driven somewhere. The money issue is just ridiculous. I owe my parents so much money. And I can’t make any money because so much of my time is spent at these classes that I can’t open my schedule up for work like I need to. Also, the repercussions that come from the DUI just seem to get more enormous everyday. I’ll make another woeful post on that some other time.

Also, my phone broke into two pieces this week. That majorly bummed me out because, well it’s my way of communication with family and friends. It’s especially important because I can drive so it’s my way of finding a ride and gwttig around. Without it, I’m pretty much helpless. Like tonight, I had to be picked up from my education class at OHS in San Marcos. I assumed that my dad would pick me up because I need a rise every week, and if i’ve found another ride, I let him know. He assumed that I had a ride since he hadn’t heard from me, leaving me stranded becaus I couldn’t call. A nice employee stayed around even though they were closed to wait on a ride for me. I felt guilty that I was wasting this man’s time, frustrated that I couldn’t fend for myself, and just generally disappointed and upset that this is really my life now that I cried. I hate crying in public. It makes me look like an idiot.

I really do wonder if I’m becoming depressed. I have never cried this much in my life. I’m always crying, getting these feelings of just…complete, I don’t even know how to describe it. It just doesn’t feel good. And I keep having panic attacks. What the heck is going on with me? Why is it that when I am trying more and more to lean on God and surrender everything to Him, everything just keeps going downhill. I get it, God, you broke my leg. Now what? I feel like You just keep breaking it over and over again. Am I missing something? Seriously.

I can’t handle this. I don’t like being me.