Broken December 3, 2009

These past few days have been so incredibly trying on me. I have fallen, cracked, attempted to get back up…only to fall again. With this fall, the crack spread, and was completely broken down. I don’t even know how to put the pieces back together again. I am utterly lost. I’m so far in the dark, I don’t know how to find the light to guide me out. It’s lonely here.

So much has happened that it’s hard to process it all, let alone get it into words. The processing is the most difficult, though. There is just so much swirling around in my head right now. Everything that happened, everything I said, everything I did, everything I thought. It’s just a lot. This is my attempt to process it. If I can put it into words, then I know that I can at least face it, that I can make it seem more…real? And perhaps move on to pick up the pieces of this brokenness.

The two words that can encompass the subject are: UC application.

I have already blogged about my procrastination and how it gets me into trouble. I’ve known that for a while, my procrastination was going to cause me to hit a wall in a very big way. It seems that for anything to change in my life, something drastic has to happen. I don’t know how to change that part about myself. It’s not fun at all. The drastic things–they hurt, they’re damaging. But, I’m stubborn…well, moreso just stupid than stubborn, I think.

Anyways. UC application filing periods were November 1-30 with the deadline being November 30 at 11:59 PM. I got a head start on them and started my application the week before Thanksgiving with plans to have them finished before Thanksgiving, which is the recommended time to have them turned in. But of course, with me being me, I started them, and didn’t open the application back up until about 1:30 PM on November 30. Awesome. I had a busy day, so anytime that I had, I was on the computer trying to finish my application. At 6, I had a rehearsal for my dance show, so I brought my laptop with me so I could finish my app. The server was going incredibly slow and I had to refresh the page over and over again before my information would submit. As time kept ticking by, I was getting more and more frustrated and more and more stressed out. At about 10:00, the server was growing exponentially slower with the passing time, and I was becoming less and less sure that I would be able to get my application submitted and began freaking out more and more.

At this point, I started praying harder than I ever have in my life. I told God that I had complete faith in Him that He would get me through this and get my application in, even if I hit the final submit button at 11:58:59. I knew it would be okay. I kept saying to myself, and to Him that it was okay, I had faith, God would pull me through. And…time kept ticking…and refreshing the page was doing nothing…and my faith began to waver. I’d catch myself, and just talk to God for a few minutes. I knew that this app was going to get in. I KNEW He was going to make it work. And then it was 11:00. And I started to cry pitiful tears of desperation. At this point I was pleading with Him. “PLEASE, God, PLEASE…” Even reflecting on it, I can feel the desperation that I experienced. It’s like when you have nothing else, when you are just so at the mercy of something else…I can’t even describe it. And then, I got angry. It turned into a challenge of “if You’re as real and as powerful as You claim to be, You’ll get this application turned in. Prove to me that You are real, and I’m not crazy for believing that You are.”

…”You shall not put the Lord your God to the test” (Deuteronomy 6:16)

12:00 AM. The page still refused to load. The deadline had passed. I was done. There was nothing of me left. I put down my laptop, unlocked the front door, and walked out into the night. I wandered aimlessly, in the middle of the street, with no destination. I just wanted out. Out of everything. Out of this life. I hit the bottom. I was…blank. And I walked. And then my brain turned back on, bringing a flood of emotions with it. I was upset, I was angry, I was ruined. I was upset at myself. I’d let my procrastination pretty much destroy my future. I couldn’t just NOT go to a 4 year university next Fall. It really is not an option. I have messed up so many times this semester, but this is the big one. In my opinion, I’d ruined my life.

I was mad at God. SO mad. And here is where the part of these last few days that has completely shaken me, completely left me crumbled at the bottom of the pit comes in. I was so angry with God, that I told Him that He was not real. I decided that no God who I had put so much faith in would let me fall like that. A Human who knows that you have so much faith in them would not let you down this way. I refused to believe in a God who would do that to me. I said, to Him…to the air, that I was done. I was done with the craziness. Everyone who believes that they are filled with the “Holy Spirit” is just crazy. I was crazy. I bought into the craziness. He did not exist to me any longer. I quit God. And then I sat on a bench in a park and cried. Everything I had based my life on, was gone. School was no more. My majors…my career path…no more. Most of all, the God that I loved and put so much faith in was no more. I was so empty. So alone. I wanted to end it. I really did. I sat and I cried and I shivered until finally I decided to go back home.

I walked home, went to my room, and cried myself to sleep. Of course, morning comes. I didn’t want it to come. I didn’t want to face people asking me if my apps go turned in. I didn’t want to have to tell my parents that I couldn’t get my self together and get my applications in. I didn’t want to deal with life. Some part of me still had some sanity left and I knew I couldn’t just stay in bed. So I went to school. I happened to check my Facebook, and a friend asked if I’d had problems submitting my UC application last night because he had also. In talking to him, I found out that there was a computer glitch, and the application deadline had been extended. Of course I was skeptical, but I went on the UCapp website and was able to logon and finish submitting my application. I emailed the Admissions department to see if it had really gone through and got an automated response saying that the application deadline had been extended until 11:59 PM on December 2.

…woah. just…woah…

It was now that I just wondered “What the heck did you just do last night, Maya? You seriously lost your freaking mind. You need to fix this. Undo what you did.” But, how do I fix this? How do I take back those horrible, horrible things I said to my FATHER. The God who loves me SO much, who wants me to succeed, who wants good things for me?

“O you of little faith, why did you doubt?” (Matthew 14:31)

I don’t even feel like I can ask for forgiveness. I don’t deserve it. I know that we are all undeserving of the love and mercy that He gives us, but I feel like I have gone past the point of undeserving… Why should He forgive me? Why should I even feel that I can talk to Him and ask for help ever again? I quit God. And He STILL came through for me. I…am speechless… and I feel wretched.I don’t know where to go from here.

So now, here I am. Broken. Lost. Confused. Alone.
…help?

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